How to Handle Co-Parenting During the Holidays
The holidays are meant to bring joy, reflection, and connection. However, for parents who are no longer together, holidays often bring stress, miscommunication, and sometimes disappointment.
As a family law attorney practicing in California, I’ve seen firsthand how difficult the holiday season can become when co-parenting isn’t clearly addressed. With the right approach, though, it’s possible to create meaningful holiday experiences for your children without triggering legal disputes.
California custody law does not treat the holidays as an afterthought. In fact, it encourages parents to be specific about holiday arrangements in their parenting plans.
When those plans are unclear or overly general, confusion and conflict follow. If you're trying to figure out how to share time with your child over the holidays while respecting the other parent’s rights, you’re not alone—and you have options.
The Holiday Schedule and Parenting Plans
In California, custody law favors clear and detailed parenting plans. A parenting plan should define both physical and legal custody, and it should spell out what happens on birthdays, school breaks, and major holidays.
When these events are not covered, parents often find themselves scrambling to find last-minute solutions—many of which end in frustration.
One of the most effective ways to avoid disputes is to draft a holiday schedule that is separate from the regular visitation plan. Judges in California will typically approve any arrangement parents agree upon, so long as it is in the child’s best interest.
From my experience, this flexibility is both a blessing and a responsibility. It allows co-parents to create schedules that reflect cultural traditions, religious observances, and travel plans—but only if they communicate early and consistently.
Why Custody Law Matters During the Holidays
California custody law prioritizes the best interests of the child, but it also values consistency. That’s why it’s important to stick to the schedule outlined in your parenting plan, even when you’re tempted to make informal changes.
Informal adjustments—like last-minute swaps or extended visits—can become a problem if one parent changes their mind or disagrees.
Without a clear court-approved holiday schedule, it’s easy for parents to fall into arguments or misunderstandings. Worse, one parent may feel pressured to agree to changes that aren’t truly fair.
I’ve worked with clients who allowed extra time in one year only to have that flexibility used against them the next. Custody law gives parents the tools to formalize fair arrangements. It’s up to them to use those tools wisely.
Practical Co-Parenting Tips for Holiday Success
To help my clients avoid conflict and create positive holiday memories, I recommend the following practical steps:
Plan well in advance: Don’t wait until November or December to discuss the holiday schedule. Address it at least a few months before to allow time for coordination and, if necessary, court intervention.
Put everything in writing: Even if you and the other parent are on good terms, written confirmation avoids misunderstandings. Email or a shared parenting app works well.
Be specific in your language: Instead of saying “half of winter break,” say “from 5:00 p.m. on December 23 to 10:00 a.m. on December 26.” Precise start and end times make transitions smoother.
Include transportation details: Who will drop off and who will pick up? From where? These details matter, especially during high-traffic holiday periods.
Focus on the child’s experience: Ask what traditions your child values most. Sometimes, honoring those preferences can lead to easier compromises between parents.
Alternate major holidays yearly: One of the fairest ways to handle holidays is by alternating them annually. If one parent has Thanksgiving this year, the other can have it next year.
Make room for flexibility: Life happens. Weather, illness, or family emergencies can derail even the best-laid plans. Build in room for reasonable adjustments.
Respect boundaries: Holidays are not a time to dig up old grievances. Stick to parenting logistics and avoid discussing past conflicts.
Keep communication child-focused: Don’t use your child as a messenger. All schedule changes or disagreements should be discussed directly between parents.
Update the court order if needed: If your holiday schedule has changed permanently, it’s smart to have the new arrangement entered into your custody order.
Modifying a Holiday Schedule in California
California custody law allows for modification of court orders when there has been a “significant change in circumstances.” If the current schedule is no longer workable—maybe due to a parent moving, changing jobs, or your child’s evolving needs—you can file for a modification.
In holiday-specific cases, the court will consider whether both parents previously agreed to the change and how the current arrangement is affecting the child. I always advise clients to make these modifications through the court rather than through verbal agreement alone.
When holidays go poorly because of miscommunication, a judge may question each parent’s commitment to co-parenting effectively. It’s better to handle changes formally than to try to fix issues after the fact.
When Conflicts Arise
Even the best co-parenting relationships can face tension around the holidays. If one parent violates the custody agreement, custody law gives you the right to enforce the court order. This might involve going back to court to request enforcement or even seeking sanctions for repeated violations.
That said, not every issue requires court action. Sometimes, a mediated conversation with the help of a neutral third party can resolve things faster and more peacefully.
But in more serious cases—such as a parent denying visitation or traveling without consent—I always recommend swift legal action. Delays can send the wrong message and complicate future court proceedings.
Long-Term Benefits of a Consistent Holiday Plan
One of the long-term benefits of following California custody law closely is the sense of predictability it creates for your child. Children thrive when they know what to expect.
When holiday time is spent arguing or when plans change suddenly, it creates emotional distress and confusion. I’ve seen many children develop anxiety around the holidays because they don’t know which parent they’ll be with or what plans are being made.
Having a clear, respectful co-parenting arrangement during the holidays sends a strong message that your child’s happiness matters more than past conflict. This kind of consistency lays the foundation for better communication in other areas of co-parenting as well.
Out-of-State Travel and Holiday Vacations
If you or your co-parent wants to travel out of state or out of the country during the holidays, custody law requires that you get written consent or court approval. Even if your parenting plan doesn’t specifically prohibit travel, the other parent still has a right to know and consent if the travel interferes with their scheduled time.
I’ve handled many cases where a parent assumed they could take a child on a vacation because it seemed harmless. Unfortunately, that kind of assumption can trigger legal trouble fast.
Courts take jurisdictional boundaries seriously, especially when they affect visitation rights. If travel is on your holiday wish list, make sure you’ve discussed it well ahead of time and obtained the appropriate permissions.
Handling Holidays in High-Conflict Co-Parenting Situations
For some parents, even minor holiday discussions lead to significant disagreements. In those cases, California custody law can offer extra protection through detailed parenting orders, limited communication guidelines, or supervised exchanges.
I work with clients to draft parenting plans that minimize opportunities for conflict. For example, if drop-offs are problematic, we can arrange for them to occur at a neutral public location. If communication tends to spiral into arguments, co-parents can agree to communicate only through a parenting app that tracks all messages.
The court doesn’t expect perfection, but it does expect both parents to do what’s in the child’s best interest. When one parent refuses to do so, the other has the right to take legal action.
Experienced Legal Assistance
As a family law attorney, I’ve helped many parents create holiday schedules that honor both parents’ time and keep children at the center of every decision. With locations in Ontario and Riverside, California, I serve clients in San Bernardino County and Riverside County. Call the Law Office of Shelly Jean John today to see how I can help you improve your holiday plans.